toowrite.com story

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF SIMON

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF SIMON

Monday “Simon! Come in and stop annoying Brick!” That was my owner, Claire. Brick is the ginger biscuit coloured dog next door but one. He sometimes squeezes under the fence and challenges me to fights. I win. Goodness knows how he gets through the gaps in the fence. Claire has just finished it with moss green paint from the DIY store in Skegness. I love Skegness. There’s the fair and the amusement arcades, and the candy floss and the ice cream, and the fish and chips….not to mention the beach, like a giant litter tray!

I’ve just moved from London. We didn’t have a garden there. We have one now, but it’s a bit of a mess. Mind you, Claire’s painted the fence now and bought a garden gnome in green with a chipped nose. I called him Gordon. He has a wire fishing rod and a fish that resembles a gold fish hanging off the line. I tried eating the fish. It crumbled and hard, cool, smooth chunks of plaster fell to the ground. Claire used superglue and sticky tape and fastened it back together. It doesn’t look the same. The gnome looks a bit grumpy, like he’s caught a bit of seaweed instead of a fish. I know seaweed doesn’t grow in ponds. Jampot and Camilla explained it to me. Jampot is my best friend and Camilla is my girlfriend. Jampot is ginger like me and Camilla is sleek and cream. They live next door.

Anyway, I strolled indoors on my soft pads with as much dignity as I could muster. At the end of the soft pads are my sharp claws, so watch out, buster! I am eternally proud of my claws. They are VERY sharp and VERY shiny. So am I. Claire gives me a bath every five minutes! Claire tickled my head behind my ears and gave me some cat food when I got in. Rabbit. Yum.

Tuesday We stayed up all night. Claire had champagne and chocolates. I was supposed to have more cat food and milk, but instead I had three bags of candy floss and five saucers of milk. Then I was sick… I was very tired, but I saw a bluetit and couldn’t resist. I shot out of the door, but my tired, vulnerable legs couldn’t even catch a bowl of food, and that’s saying something. Claire patted me fondly and said; “Good old tubby Simon.”

I was not flattered.

I went indoors, singing a nonsense song to myself. This is how it goes: “Gone fishing In a swimming pool, Wearing pyjama bottoms And a top hat. Doing the conga Wearing flippers Dances the cat of madness.”

That’s me!

I suppose I am a bit bonkers if I’m truthful. I’m a cat with a vivid imagination and don’t you forget it!

Wednesday I’m not supposed to be writing because I was sick again. Claire called me a bad boy and wouldn’t give me any food, so I clawed her. And it’s duck on a Wednesday! I just love duck! Claire is SO mean. I think I’ll claw her again!

Thursday Claire won’t feed me again today either. It’s mouse today. Delicious. I’m going to be a skeleton soon if Claire doesn’t watch out. It’s because I clawed her again. She put some paper and a pen in front of me and told me to write out fifty line of:

“I must not claw my owner.”

I MUST claw my owner if she isn’t going to feed me! Or how about I claw the cat food out of the tin and eat it? Sounds like a good idea to me. Or maybe not. Claire wouldn’t be pleased if there was sloppy brown cat food all over the pantry floor.

I think I’ll redeem myself. Then she’ll FEED me! I’m dribbling just dreaming about it!

Later…

I’m still slobbering…over an EMPTY bowl! I redeemed myself and Claire fed me mouse AND duck cat food! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!!

Friday I had a nice snooze and ate some food. It was chicken! Mmm….That’s all I did all day.

I’m a cat of leisure and don’t you forget it!

Saturday I had a typical day, ate five lamb chops, was sick in the garden, ate two more, drank a saucer of milk, played Monopoly with Jampot and Camilla, decided to do a spot of climbing and got stuck up a tree, had a fight with Brick, met Nev, the new cat on the estate, had a nap, ate a dead mouse, found a well-covered bush and did my business, ate Claire’s slippers and started on the frozen cat food…..then slept some more.

Later…

Then I woke up, had some spag bol, played skipping with a strand of spaghetti and tripped up, then I received a lecture off Claire about not eating her slippers.

I fell asleep half way through!

Sunday The blessed Sunday! At last! Brick can’t come out on a Sunday! Bliss! Bliss! Holy Heavens, praise the one who invented Sundays! It’s going to be a nice, quiet, calm Sunday with nobody disturbing me, nobody telling me to stop being so lazy, and ABSOLUTELY NO DOGS! Yes, it’s going to be a great end to the week!

By Catherine Bradley (age 10)